Personal Sun
by Saturn Stars
Summary: Ever wandered what Edward was thinking or doing all through Twilight? This is my own version of Midnight Sun, starting from chapter two. Read the first chapter on Stephanies website. It goes through everything edward felt for bella during twilight.
1. Chapter 1

TITLE: Personal Sun

CHAPTER: ONE

SUMMARY: "I couldn't even say goodbye, the word seemed next to pathetic after everything Carlisle had achieved. I hated to be another disappointment. But this was all I knew. This was the only way I knew how to spare Isabella Swan's life. " –EDWARD

This fanfiction is my version of Midnight Sun!

RATING: PG

WORDCOUNT: 3500

THANKS TO MY BETA'S

**PERSONAL SUN**

This was the only way I knew how to spare Isabella Swan's life.

**Chapter Two:** Alaska

There was something that I was sure of. I was speeding down the road in the hospital's direction. I hadn't been thinking and my mind was somewhere else entirely. I knew what I had to do, and disregarded that perhaps my family would be hurt by my weakness. I was somewhat surprised that even in my state of being that was rather less-controlled that my mind directed me to where I _really _needed to go. I had thought that the monster had so far emerged from within that every second I _didn't _spend composing my self control, I would subconsciously be heading towards the one thing my body longed and yearned for. My throat was so dry. I couldn't think anymore about it.

But I did continue to think about it, and I couldn't stop myself. The speed my car was gaining as it drove down the empty street only accelerated my excitement.

I was thrilled at about how easily I could have her if I wanted to. I was not so charmed as I was shamed at that thought, however.

When I pulled into the hospital's parking lot, I screeched my car to a halting stop, parking right next to Carlisle's car. The space was marked for Dr. Mirth, not that I really cared whose parking spot I was holding at the current time. Dr. Mirth had probably headed off for the day anyway; it wouldn't be a problem. That was until he showed up…

I was going to dash to the back hospital door which clearly read 'staff only entry', but my senses told me that there were humans around. Collateral damage, again!One man was pointing at me with an angered face. Oh great, he was walking over towards me now. _What is Cullen thinking? Just because he is Carlisle's son does not mean he is staff of the hospital, I'll straighten that little son of a-_

"I'll only be here for a moment, and I plan to take my father's car home for him tonight. He _requested _that I park mine right next to his so that he has something to drive home in." I raised my eyebrow at him, waiting. I could hear other soft murmurs coming from a group of women, but it was too far away, I'd have to focus hard if I wanted to listen to their idle and petty thoughts. I could tell the man in front of me – Richard – if his mind told the truth – was riled up. I could smell the anger coursing through his veins. Though I was in such frenzy, his blood did nothing for me. This surprised me momentarily, next to the Swan girl's scent his seemed nothing more than dirty. I cringed, but only because I needed her back, was she the only one who would satisfy my thirst now? I panicked for a moment. I envisioned her limp body in my hands as I savoured the most precious and disgustingly desirable blood I would ever come across vividly in my mind. There was only one reason I was able to break myself from my twisted thoughts. And that was an angry security guard who was obviously a little too high on small town authority.

Richard looked upset that I had cut him off before he was about to speak, almost cautious. But I knew that it was plausible to act like I knew what was going through his head, or what was wrong with my park. Maybe his prudence was helpful for him at this time. I chuckled, because although people rarely used their survival instincts these days, due to the security of city-living, I noticed on many occasions that they were still highly prominent. This Richard, although angry at me, was quite noticeably wary of me.

"Is that alright?" I asked, smiling politely. No one could think that Dr. Cullen's son was a rude and obnoxious person; I never wanted to harm his reputation. I played my cards right; this man wouldn't disobey the authority of the hospital. _Bloody Cullen, his boy is in a need for a rude awakening._

"I guess so then... I will be checking with Dr. Cullen myself later however..." _There is no way his father would have allowed this, it is strictly prohibited. _He started to walk away disgruntled, and as he did there was no need to welcome his thoughts anymore.

I headed for the hospital door again, though this time I decided to save myself the hassle of analysing my surroundings, and just walked. Even though I loved the day time much more immensely than I did the night, it was still horrible being out during the day and having to be aware of myself every second. Sometimes when the thirst kicked in, now for example, my body was ten times more inclined to move naturally. I had to get to Carlisle. I had this feeling that upon the moment I saw him, I would be reminded of all the reasons I could _not _harm the girl.

Pushing open the hospital doors, I sighed to myself as a flood of noise hit me. Sometimes I wished that I would go back to my ways of solitude, stalking the people of the night who did horrible deeds. But I couldn't, it had been hard to live with myself. Never again did I want to see something else staring back at me from the mirror. I was content and fulfilled in seeing Carlisle in my face, even if the path I'd chosen caused me to be bombarded with human thoughts between the hours of eight am till three pm every Monday to Friday. I started to pace quickly. There was chattering and thoughts everywhere; I didn't have the time or patience to figure out which was what.

I couldn't smell Carlisle anywhere yet, only the fresh blood of humans.

I turned right into his office after picking up his trail three doors down. He seemed to be expecting me. Well of course he was expecting me; he would have heard me a long time ago.

"Edward..." He paused when he saw my face. He seemed disappointed. Did I really look that horrifying right now? Did all the patience and self-control I had been practicing for eighty years slip from my face as soon as I crossed paths with that delicious creature? The Swan girl... fresh thoughts of her caused my eyes to involuntarily close. I smelled the air, as if almost wishing I could pick up on her. "What happened, Edward?"

"The Swan girl." I grunted, and even though I had no need to breathe I was gasping heavily for air.

"Charlie's daughter? She has come to stay with him for a little while, just a little Edward. I believe it's while her mother goes somewhere with her partner. I don't think that the child will stay long." Carlisle put his pen down and stood from the table.

"I can't take it. I have to leave." My voice was hard and flat.

"Ah." He seemed to understand now. "So you have come across your first?"

"She is my _only _one." I seemed to linger too long on only, I liked those words. And I certainly liked the notion that someone had put her on this world and raised her simply so I would delight in her for a meal one day. I flinched, if only Carlisle knew. But his thoughts were still.

"You have to fight this Edward; I'll admit it can be hard."

"No one ever told me it could be like this, that something could smell so... so dreadfully sweet..." I turned away from him; I didn't want him to see my face.

"Edward you can't leave. Think of Esme." He placed his hand on my shoulder. "If you go out and hunt tonight I promise it will be easier for you tomorrow. But you cannot run away. This is the whole learning curve, it's a test don't you see? How did I become so accustomed? I stood around blood every day at the hospital, wanting, needing, thirsting, and eventually it stopped." He removed his hand and shut his office door that I had carelessly left open in my pitiable state.

"You _haven't_ smelt her." I was frank with him.

"I doubt she would be appealing to me Edward, certain humans have different smells to certain types of our kind." He seemed a little happy, his mind was positive, I picked through bits and pieces. Little did he know that I was not so brave. My hands slowly slipped from my hair, down to my waist were they stayed. The conversation had made me limp with shame.

"I have to go." My heart almost broke when I thought of Esme and the rest, but particularly Esme. My mother lived to see us happy; having one of us torn from her would cause her a piteous amount of hurt. But I had to leave. "Since I met her, I have only been living in the hope that I can taste her one day. That is a large feat, but I feel like my body is only inching towards something that will result in me taking her every second." I sighed and turned to look at him. He pitied me. I roared inside, he _pitied_ me. That was what I was after all, a pathetic monster that was being destroyed by a small seventeen year old girl. It was hard telling Carlisle what lied beneath my mask of composure.

"Tanya's clan." His words were firm and hard. "Although their ways do not necessarily agree with ours, they have always been good friends." I focused on his words for a moment and thought about them. I had been planning to just keep driving to let myself be carried away from her scent, but he put forward a more legit idea. "They are in Alaska, you know. It will take you maybe twenty to thirty hours, depending on your speed." It was just like Carlisle, and it made me feel even worse. He wasn't going to make me do anything against my wishes. Although he would prefer that I stay and fight it, he would help me leave and find a good home even if he didn't want to. He'd already forgiven me for leaving once before. His patience was never-ending. If only I could be like...

_Edward, please think about this._

"I have."

_Well then, best of luck._

I thought on Tanya with disgust, spending time with her would mean more self control as well. However, it was only the self-control to try and keep her feelings in mind whenever she expressed interest in choosing me as a mate. She was possibly the last person on earth I would want be with, especially at this point in time.

I ran my fingers through my hair. "I'll need your car."

He nodded and turned to walk towards his desk, I'm sure he had much more important work to attend to anyway, I was disappointed that I had to put him through something as trivial as this. I was just his pathetic son, who couldn't keep a hold on myself. I watched as he sat down to begin another pile of paperwork. No matter the workload, his papers were always piled so neatly on his desk. This was a skill that many young doctors could never acquire. It did help if you had incredibly fast movements to aid your cleaning habits. Here I was, in awe of everything that Carlisle had created for himself, a life saving humans, a job surrounding humans, a life being as human as possible. For a moment, I saw the Swan girl in my head. What would it be like if I got to know her? Would I feel less of an urge to kill her then? I envied that Carlisle could so easily entwine his life with humans, but most of us normal type, who simply couldn't resist the thirst, would never be as great of a man as he could ever be. I turned away from him and exited out into the white, sterile hall. I couldn't even say goodbye, the word seemed next to pathetic after everything Carlisle had achieved. I hated to be another disappointment. But this was all I knew.

This was the only way I knew how to spare Isabella Swan's life.

I pulled out my set of keys, which included a key to every car in the house. Rosalie had a little bit of an opinion to share about that, but I assured her that I wouldn't be taking her red shiny car anywhere. Much too ostentatious for Forks anyway... I couldn't bear to put up with her vain thoughts all night if I ever _did _take it.

I reached the deserted car park, happy to be able to move more naturally towards the car. The faster I reached Alaska the better. I hopped in the driver's seat and slammed the door behind me.

_WAIT EDWARD WAIT!_

No need to concentrate when she was shouting at me. It was Alice.

She wasn't far, and she pulled up behind me in Rosalie's car. I groaned and stepped out, tapping my foot impatiently. It seemed she had something for me.

"Thank _god." _She sighed in exasperation, running towards me with some paper in her hand. She hadn't bothered to close the convertible's door. This delighted me, knowing that our conversation would be short. "I knew all along, I knew." She beamed at me. "Edward you could never harm anyone."

My eyes narrowed at her, if only she knew how I had been daydreaming about taking the life so vividly.

"Here." She took a hold of my hand and shoved a map within its grasp. I blinked. "Silly, you're too busy thinking about what a monster you are to even realize that you don't know the way to Alaska!" She gave me a hard nudge on my elbow. "You wouldn't have noticed until an hour into the trip that you were completely lost, because you're thinking about her." She said it cautiously but I blinked again, this time at my own stupidity. She was right. I was just about to get in the car and drive, but I actually didn't have a clue where I was going. Regardless the amount of times I had been there, the trip was still a very long, and curvy one. I unfolded a map to see her clearly drawn writing and marks all over it. It showed me the way, and made notes at the tricky turnoffs, or places that I could be most likely to lose myself.

I suddenly felt terribly guilty. She wasn't even asking me to stay.

"Thanks Alice." I smiled at her softly. This could possibly be the last time I would see her for a year or so.

"No problem. We will miss you." She seemed to be pressing her lips hard together in thought, then she unleashed her typical Alice fury on me. She wrapped her arms around me tightly. I stood firm in my place, trying not to drop the map. Why couldn't I help but see Esme's pained face in my mind? Was Alice purposely trying to show me how my mother had reacted?

"Please be safe."

I assured her I would.

Then she left, the reckless way she had turned the corner left a trail of dust and smoke in the still parking lot

I was truly alone now.

"Okay, I'll try this again." I muttered to myself. I threw the map over into the empty passenger's seat and started the engine. I could already feel the power radiating from the car. It was power that my Volvo just did not possess, my prop car that only suited to keep the towns folk from talking about just how much money the Cullen's might have under their belt. It would not have been enough for the drive to Alaska, especially if I wanted to make it in less than twenty hours.

I reversed back into the car park, swerving around another car before I hit its bumper. I wasn't afraid though, because I had never hit another car.

I slowed after driving for five minutes or so. I knew why my body had instinctively pulled the car to a stop, but my mind yes yet to work it out. I now sat in my car before _her _house. Why did I have to pass the house on the way? Questions swirled through my mind, and I realized I was frozen in place. Would she be home from school now? What would she be doing? Was her father home? I didn't need much more to inform me of the questions, through the trees I could see only her hideous truck parked in the driveway.

"Drive Edward, drive..." I screwed my face up and gripped the steering wheel tighter. Why couldn't I pull myself away? It was as if every inch of me called out cowardly for not taking the finest delight I would ever taste. _Why do I deny myself? _I saw Carlisle.

_Because you don't have a right to take her, Edward. _

I screamed in anguish, bashing my head against the steering wheel. "Just do it! Just push down on the accelerator." I slammed down hard, lurching myself forward. Never before had my senses caused that reaction from a car. Before I knew it I was speeding down the road in turmoil.

She was only an insignificant human, why couldn't I have her? I took in a deep breath of air.

"Her name is Isabella Swan. Her father is Charlie, the police chief of this town. She is his only family and killing her would cause him pain. She has a mother in Phoenix." But I could not continue. She was still only a human.

No matter what I said to myself, I couldn't see her as anything other than my meal, the grand course of my life. Perhaps the breakfast, lunch, dinner, and dessert all together, in terms of human meals. I couldn't believe I had lived life without the taste of her blood.

But it was alright, with every second that passed in the car I was even further from hurting her. With every moment I resisted, I pushed back the monster further within, I had to do this. For Esme, for Alice, for Carlisle. Even for Jasper, who fought with this kind of thirst almost every day and handled.

I didn't know what I was going to do about my mother. I had made promises with her, when she was only newborn that we would all stick together and it was going to be alright. She never had much trouble with the thirst, after all her compassionate nature was only heightened by her immortality. How pathetically weak I felt next to her brave soul. She would hurt just knowing that I wanted the girl, because I had promised her that I would never harm another human again, just as she promised me.

Here I was abandoning everything we had fought for together.

It was hard to believe in the stillness of my car and the quiet of the ever stretching abandoned road framed by large green trees, that I had been so unfortunate.

The girl - no, the creature had forced me to leave my home, my purpose and my town. She had come to me like a fire, and although there was nothing for her to burn, I wished there was. How had she done it? What was her secret?

My thoughts were at rest now, just as hers had been. I turned a corner and looked for the turnoff Alice had suggested on the map. The bloodlust she had rippled through me on her arrival in the seat next to me, somehow by fate, had caused me to forget a more pressing issue. I would never know what her secret was. I couldn't hear her thoughts.

This made me nervous. At first I thought that perhaps I wasn't doing it properly, like I had lost my self confidence in my natural ability. But that wasn't the case, I could see that now. The whole time I sat next to her, wishing that my teeth could just sink firmly into her soft skin, I hadn't heard one thing from her mind. She was clearly frightened from her body language. But from her mind, there was... nothing.

I guess I didn't have to worry about that anymore. I would never see her again.

Never was a very long time.

For her anyway. I grinned.

**.A FANFICTION BY SATURNSTARS.**

**The more people that review, the faster I will update :)**


	2. Chapter 2

TITLE: Personal Sun

CHAPTER: Three

This fanfiction is my version of Midnight Sun!

RATING: PG-13

WORDCOUNT: 4660

THANKS TO MY BETA'S

**PERSONAL SUN**

I will wait till Twilight

**Chapter Three: Alaska**

My driving had not slowed for the total of twenty hours that I had been desperately trying to reach the clan. I felt almost determined to rise the speedometer over 130 mph, yet I also feared for Carlisle's car.

I'd had to stop for gas on two occasions, the counter girls had gazed up at me with fear when I had given them something to work for at three in the morning. They were probably a little annoyed at having to accept my American dollars instead of Canadian, but most places did accept American anyway.

I knew people were wary of me, but driving up at a gas station at three in the morning with nothing less than a hundred dollar bill to pay with was sure to make the cashier girls nervous. Was I trying to rob them? Was I going to kill them? Or better yet eat them? Although their minds couldn't pinpoint exactly what was so hazardous about me, deep down in their subconscious somewhere, there was no doubt that they knew. What type of monster like me could ever be such a gentle and warming comfort to another?

The horrible monster I was continued to haunt my ever-present thoughts. I was disgusting, a selfish monster, leaving my family and driving to another so early in the morning.

The trip had caused me to realize too many painful truths about myself, so naturally after the long drive, I was glad when the scenery became familiar.

I pulled up to the house slowly. My arrival was nothing more than abrupt, rude and short noticed, therefore I didn't want to make such a loud and fast entrance to accompany that. I stepped out of the car, breathing in the fresh mountain air and sighed. Everything just seemed so different here.

This was Denali, a peaceful place, but that was all I could say for it. Tanya's house hadn't changed at all; it still stood tall amongst the ever-growing trees.

I remembered it being a little crisper last time I was here, perhaps the white paint had been coloured from the many leaves that fell upon the house every day.

_I know that smell._

It was the first thing I heard. She knew my smell, and I knew her voice. It was Tanya, and I would wait patiently by the car till she worked the courage to come out and greet me. Although her nose knew my smell, her mind was still trying to put a finger on whom it belonged to. I was sure it would only take her a couple more seconds.

Just as I had predicted her mind clicked, and she opened the large cream coloured door. I flashed her a clean smile hoping that my excitement would delay all the explanations she would expect from me.

_What on earth could he be doing here? _She was curious, perhaps a little too hopeful as well. My smile had done nothing to delay her curiosity.

"Edward," she questioned "what a pleasant surprise." _Where is Carlisle? _She wondered to herself.

"I didn't come with the rest." I assured her. She narrowed her eyes at me.

"Well then why did you come?" _He made it quite clear last time that I was of no interest to him._

The way her mind worked tired me. It was one of the reasons we had all left in the first place. She had a hard time understanding why any of us would stay if I didn't want her as a mate. Frowning inwardly at her antics, I tried to fight desperately against my annoyance. There were certainly more important things to life then her apparent taste in me. For example, my loss of sanity over a seventeen year old child.

Tanya's strawberry blonde hair covered her eyes for a moment as she looked down. _Has he changed his mind...?_

Alright it was time to say something.

"It's a long story Tanya, would you mind if I came in?" I knew she would let me in, and she would be thrilled about it as well, Irina, Carmen, Kate and Tanya alike had much too evident an obsession for men. They would fawn all over me while I was here, and I wasn't going to like it either.

"Sure, you look thirsty." She added.

I nodded as she led me into her cream coloured living room painted in bright sunlight. Much like our family, Tanya also liked to keep the house open and fresh.

"Carmen and Eleazar are hunting at the moment; do you want to join them?"

I paused on the thought for a moment, it sounded good to me. It was always pertinent to hunt with more than one of us so an animal would never get past our senses, even if a little far away. I did have a lot to tell Tanya, but she wasn't thirsty at all and would surely not be following me with her wishful thoughts. Once I had forgotten my thirst would I be able to think straight again? I pondered on the idea.

"Do you mind my asking of the time?" I tried to cock my head to the side to get a view of her clock in the kitchen.

"I believe it's around eleven." _There is something wrong with him, he seems much too irritable. _

If only she knew.

"I will take you up on that offer, however where are Kate and Irina?" I asked raising my eyebrows; it wasn't like those two to miss out on a hunting trip with Carmen's male present.

"They went off somewhere on their own, they have become a little bit of an item lately." To anyone else this may have sounded suspicious. But it was a simple truth that most vampires found it hard to form relationships based on anything more than convenience when they hunted human blood. Settling down allowed us to extend our emotions for different reasons, and just like humans could be left out so could we. Tanya was slightly disliked, she had an odd personality, and although strong, powerful and perceptive, her talents were rarely needed on lions and bears. So here she was being left alone in the middle of the day while two of her sisters had taken it upon themselves to leave her.

Somehow I could relate. But the choice was my own; it had always been my own. Carlisle and his Esme, Rosalie and her Emmett, Alice and her Jasper, then me, and my solitude. There was nothing that really kept me occupied in this life, and I continued to live alone. Everyone else's thoughts were just not for me. I preferred it this way.

"Yes I remember them well, never really taking anything seriously?" I asked with fronted amusement, I didn't really care whether or not they had changed, our type rarely changed. But I was to be polite.

"Yes it seems so."

There was a moments silence and I was about to take her up on her hunting offer before she interrupted me.

"You're staying Edward?" _Some company would be nice for a change, even if you don't think of me the same way. _

I looked up at her after glancing down at the tiles. I didn't know if the sentence that rolled in her head was meant to be directed at me. Although she and every other member of her clan knew of my power, they weren't as aware, or wary of it as my family was. There were no secrets between the Cullens and we were all content with that.

"Yes I am Tanya." I replied curtly, I waited to be flooded with her questions. I could see images form in her head. She was thinking of Carlisle and Alice, trying to picture how I had left them. She thought of Esme, and I flinched.

"I would like to ask you about the details, but perhaps after you have gained your strength?" She pushed some strawberry blonde locks behind her ear. I appreciated the space.

I bid her goodbye and set off down the most commonly used hunting track.

I finally found Carmen and Eleazar after following Tanya's directions. I had been running approximately half an hour and journeyed over twenty miles before I picked up on their scent. I had hunted in these woods before, but this part was unfamiliar. Had they found a more pleasant array of meals here?

Carmen seemed surprised by my arrival, her partner Eleazar however, did not. Carmen was known for her rather dull hearing, or maybe it wasn't dull she just rarely listened. I'd heard that her only true talent was falling head over heels with human men. She had turned to the 'vegetarian' diet after killing countless of good-looking pets. She had decided that it was just a terrible waste, and felt so guilty. She longed for the touch of human men, but she could never keep them for long. I used to marvel at her ways. How could she ever keep a human as a pet? I found the thought highly odd. She had settled for Eleazar, a rather young European vampire who catered to her every whim.

They were an interesting pair to observe. His thoughts were only for her, and hers were only for him, although she seemed more fickle. A more accurate way to describe her relationship towards him was infatuation, she found him good-looking, useful, and apparently good in other more private areas. She didn't think she would find a more suitable partner for a while. In other terms, she would most likely be infatuated with him till the next new thing on the market arrived.

I caught Carmen looking up from the bear; she had obviously drained it dry because she was in no kind of blood-lust. I could tell instantly that Eleazar had caught the bear for her from his jumbled thoughts.

_What can I get her next? _He looked around frantically while making sure he greeted me with eye contact. I laughed how trivial they were.

"Edward?" She raised herself and pointed towards the bear. "Please, take the rest there is a little bit left."

What she meant was that the last bit of the blood was left, the least appealing of the flow. I shook my head in distaste.

"No thank you, that was caught for you." I replied.

Carmen looked shocked for a moment, yet straightened herself up. Was she a little ashamed of the way she used Eleazar? Did it discomfort her that I could see in her mind the horrible little ways she manipulated?

"Ha-ha! It's almost hard remembering how good you are at that Edward!" He came over and gave me a large slap on the back. The sound echoed throughout the forest.

"Good at what?" I asked innocently.

_Don't give me that! I love not having to talk out aloud to you! _I smiled at him after he turned to look at Carmen.

"How is the thirst?" He asked her, she nodded lightly to signal she had almost drank her full. _I bet Edward is thirsty, now we have to help him hunt. _Her words were not hurtful, more thoughtful; she was trying to think of the best place to help me find a drink, as a good hostess would, there was no doubt in her mind.

"Well Edward, it appears that you don't look so good yourself." _And why are you here? _

"I plan to tell you and Tanya, and the others when you are all together." I said firmly. I hated being in a house of females, they would make you repeat the story fifty times, they were too curious to wait and hear it in a group. However, my voice left nothing to question, Carmen knew I meant business. Eleazar walked over to take Carmen's hand and motioned behind him with his shoulders.

"Come on Edward, there might be a couple more a few miles up north."

I smiled at him in earnest. Let the hunt begin.

I breathed in the fresh air and fell backwards onto my back, splashing all the leaves around myself. Despite some leaves, the ground was mostly dirty water from the occasional snow. I wiped the remainder of the blood from my mouth and looked up into the starry sky.

"Edward are you alright?" I saw Carmen take a quick glance in Eleazar's direction. _What is up with him? I have never seen him this happy?_

I hadn't either.

"I'm free!" I yelled loudly into the night.

"Edward that was only your fourth, don't you need some more?" Eleazar looked at me nervously, perhaps he was afraid I would bounce up with a big grin on my face and hug him. That's how I felt right at this very moment.

"No I really am fine!" I sat up swiftly and stood on my two feet. The hunting and tracking had taken well into the night; I was almost worried that Tanya might have followed us.

"Really you were a great help both of you, to catch so much in one day alone..." I nodded then smiled. "Yes a great help!" I had to admit the area was more populated than the outskirts of Forks. I felt guilty at myself for the happiness I could not help but feel. The thought of my home town sobered me somewhat again.

_What the hell is wrong with him? I always thought this one was weird._

I ignored Carmen's worried face. No doubt the two were now wondering why I was upset. How should I explain it to them? That the fresh air and blood had caused me to forget Bella? I no longer thought on nothing but tasting her. I couldn't even remember why she had been so desirable in the first place. Yet although she seemed like such a distant pest, there was still the terrible deed I had committed, running away from my supportive family over this young girl.

_Did we say something Edward? _Eleazar's eyes pierced mine, and I looked up to meet his gaze. The hunting trip had definitely awakened a respect for him in me. He was very mature and patient for one so new born and his thoughts were not simple at all. He was much like Jasper was to Alice. He was merely only a fifteen year old vampire and already so trained and dedicated to Carmen's particular diet.

He had spent most of the hunting trip trying to figure me out. He wasn't off on a lot of points. I sighed after answering his question with no. Carmen was pulling on Eleazar's tattered coat impatiently. She couldn't stop thinking about returning home, she was afraid that I was unstable. Perhaps she was right in her own way.

"There is a lot to explain, but I guess I will do that when we return to Tanya, Kate and Irina." I said simply. Yet all the things I had been meaning to explain flew from my head. Why had I made such a hasty departure from my family? The girl seemed so irrelevant now. I was almost embarrassed in having to admit that I had left my own purpose for a human girl, I was angered and ashamed.

Because we had travelled so far north in attempts to find large grown bears to feed both myself and Eleazor, the trip back home took approximately an hour of running. When all three of us returned, the sun was breaking. We stopped to watch the sunrise through the cloudy sky, and closed the last mile between us and the clan's house.

The wind gushed past me as I entered their house, taking leaves and dirt that I had acquired on the trip with it. Tanya was sitting patiently on the couch with both Kate and Irina. I could tell from their thoughts that they had all been waiting for me, Kate and Irina were both eager to hear my story after what Tanya had told them of my arrival.

I would have sat beside them along with Carmen and her newborn pet, however the trail of dirt I carried into the house only reminded me of the dirty state I was in.

Kate had now raised and approached me with a hint of cheek in her eyes. Her hands came up to press gently against my shoulders as she circled me. The fury came hurling towards us both from Tanya's mind, I flinched from such a powerful though. So, in aiding Kate's attempt to take my coat for me, I shrugged out of it.

"Let me take this for you Edward," She crooned, before winking at me with a smile.

"Edward," Tanya seemed frantic, like the long hours waiting for me had caused her impatience. Her mind screamed for an explanation, hoping somewhere deep down she would be part of reason I had returned. I had no such good news to bring her.

"Yes Tanya," I said gently, telling her with my gaze that I knew exactly what she was thinking. "Please I have been out hunting a long time; let me clean myself up first."

"Of course!" Irina yelled from the couch, she patted the space beside her for Kate and wrapped her arms around the girl as she took Irina up on her offer.

"We already prepared the bathroom," Kate giggled, flicking Irina's cheek playfully.

Carmen and Eleazar were both a little put off by my ascent up the stairs; they had been planning to shower first. I shook my head with confusion after entering the bathroom, almost afraid to turn the shower on. I couldn't believe I was afraid of a house full of female vampires who most definitely were imagining sneaking up on me as I took my clothes off.

Odd, and peculiar was the only word to describe Tanya's clan. Why had I come here again? Was that human girl really worth all this trouble?

I showered quickly, making sure that I washed the dirt and forest floor out of my hair. The heat was comforting, and I spend a couple of minutes relaxing against the shower doors.

After towel drying my hair, dressing and glancing at myself in the mirror, I realised that I wasn't ready to face the house of female's waiting downstairs, because I had nothing to tell them. I had to think more seriously about why I was going to stay here. I couldn't even convince myself. Now that I was free of the thirst and her delicious scent I felt completely idiotic and insane for coming here in the first place. Carlisle was right, all I had to do was hunt, and then I would have been okay. Why was I so foolish?

I shook my wet hair dry, staring at myself with horror.

Their reactions were just as I expected, not comforting at all.

"You left because of a human?" Carmen giggled against Eleazar, who tried to keep his face blank. It didn't matter what his face read anyway, because all of their thoughts screamed loudly at me.

_Strange,_

_So weird,_

_Carlisle would be proud,_

_Defeated by a human? _

_Forced to leave by a seventeen year old girl?_

I placed my hands over my ears with anger.

"I was thirsty and I didn't know what to do, you can't imagine how she smelled, you just don't know." I tried to justify myself.

"Really Edward, why didn't you just go and fill up on some bears or your favourite those lions?" Tanya was trying to be respectful, but she was also quite humoured by the mess I had gotten myself into. _Besides she is just a human, even if you just took her you would be forgiven. _"You really can't leave your family over something so trivial."

I growled lowly in my chest. "I know she is trivial, merely a meal! Whatever derogatory term you want to use. We used to be humans as well okay? Have you forgotten our purpose? Carlisle would never..."

"Yes Edward we all think the same here." Irina added more seriously. "But in laymen's terms, when your find that one delicious scent, or as we put it your acquired taste, its just as hard to try and not step on ants when you walk down the pavement. There is no need to be so worked up by it."

"So we are comparing a human life to millions of barely noticeable ants on a pathway are we?" I snapped. She fell silent, digging her head into Kate's hair to hide herself.

"Carlisle knows her father, and the whole town has been awaiting for her arrival." I shivered, because I couldn't even remembered the way she smelled. It almost seemed like a dream, like I was crazy. What was an insignificant little girl doing taking me away from the people I knew, who I trusted and was devoted to?

"Edward really, its the most hasty thing I have heard you do to this century, and you are a very melodramatic creature." Tanya rolled her eyes, I caught Eleazar nodding his head in agreement.

Who was he to judge? He hadn't seen barely anything compared to my years. I tensed my fists.

"No matter, I can't return now. I will take the child's life." I muttered under my breath, but I didn't really believe that, neither did the rest of the room. After feeding I had truly gained confidence in my ability to abstain, however I had lost faith in my ability to remain faithful to my family.

What had I done?

I ignored the rest of their thoughts as they discussed what I should do about the matter. I wasn't listening. I was sure many hours had passed as they judged and told me how I could have done it better. But I was interested.

"I am going to go out for a moment." I rose myself from the couch. Irina seemed appalled at my lack of manners after ignoring her question three times in a row. I usually represented myself and the Cullen's better than this, yet my confusion overwhelmed me, especially when I received no understanding on the problem whatsoever. More than any time now, I felt alone.

Abandoned my family, laughed at by Tanya's clan. The only thing I felt I could hold onto was the way the young girl had made me feel. Why did I doubt my judgement now? I ran from the room.

Tanya's footsteps behind me did not escape my hearing. Although her speed could never match mine, I knew she would eventually make her way to the place that held my scent. So I didn't bother trying to lose her, I just ran anywhere I could, trying to reach the highest peak possible.

So much time had passed without me realising since this morning. When you could live forever, time really was a trivial thing. I lost all awareness of time as I ran, and I hadn't the slightest idea how long I ran for.

The midday sun was mild and shielded by many grey clouds when I reached the top of the mountain. I walked to the very edge, peering over at the mass of white space and green space. Snow and forest. There were places where the sun broke through the clouds. The light hit the snow in areas and the field shimmered before my very eyes.

I truly was free here. From the knowing look of my father, and the horrid smell of Bella Swan.

An hour, or maybe more past before I detected her. I had been expecting her, but I hadn't been expecting the long gap between my arrival and hers. Perhaps she was slower than I remembered, or maybe she just wanted to give my time alone to think.

Thoughts had left my mind now, it only hurt to think of what a mess I had made.

"Hello Tanya," I muttered to myself, shifting a little on the cold hard ground.

"Edward," she retaliated with a cautious whisper.

She stood next to me, never sat.

We watched the many hundreds of miles the spanned out below us with mild sentiment. I knew this time of day was the same for all our kind. The most excruciating part of the day to let go as afternoon slowly drifted into night.

"Edward..." She said softly.

I tuned into her thoughts as if I had been dazed for the past moments, I hadn't heard a thing. Yes, I scanned the images in her mind easily, she was worried and upset. She was thinking of me as a lover again.

"I want you to stay."

"I know."

"Can't you rethink my proposal?" She thought vividly of hunting together with me, every day from now. She wanted my protection and my company. Her thoughts and longing for my attention only made me feel a longing for something else. I could see my family clearly in my head, and as I breathed in this fresh air I knew it was only pride that kept me from returning to them.

"No, I am sorry Tanya." I said, and I really was sorry. "Look, you don't want someone like me anyway... you don't." It was all I could offer her. "I'm the most horrible selfish and self destructive creature that you know."

"I don't think so at all." She lowered herself to me now and took my face in her hands, I viciously turned my head away from her gaze. "That's funny because I really see you as the most selfless and peculiar creature I know." She chuckled. "Running away from your family to protect one little seventeen year old?"

"How is abandoning my family selfless Tanya?" I spat. The sun was setting now; too bad I couldn't see it through the clouds.

She was quietened. "I guess it depends on what angle you look at it from..."

I didn't bother replying to that. This was stupid from the start, how could that girl keep me from my purpose? I wasn't going to let her beat me! No matter how I would have to swallow my pride, I would return to Carlisle and apologize for the mess I had made. Besides, I didn't want to have to force him into buying a new car. My Volvo wasn't exactly a wanted vehicle in my family.

"I have to leave Tanya," I said with resolve.

"I knew you would never stay." I turned to look at her with wide eyes. "Every time you come here you quickly leave, my head is too much for you to handle isn't it?" She looked away, her hands rested on her knees and she pushed on them to lift herself again. She offered me her hand; I took it, bewildered and stood next to her.

"I don't know what I was thinking about the child..." I muttered. "I was thirsty, and she was the most delicious thing I had ever smelled, but being here now I am sure I overreacted, as I always do."

"You over think everything Edward," She poked her tongue out playfully.

"It's necessary." I added, all vampires who had come across me were always amused by my stoic nature. Life wasn't that grand to me. I didn't delight in my food or my company half the time. What was there but the endless stretch of repeating school, university, and eating bears? It didn't seem like anything worth living for. Once again I scolded my selfish thoughts; I had a family to think about.

"So do you want to go back?" She asked after a few minutes.

I turned to look at her, then back at the sunset. The clouds had cleared a little; it was rare to see such a beautiful sight so freely.

I shook my head.

"Let's wait till Twilight."

**.A FANFICTION BY SATURNSTARS.**

**Taking on a project like trying to write my own midnight sun is very long, some support and encouraging words are always appreciated :)**


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